You may not refer to it as “default parent syndrome,” but as the “mental load” of parenting – there is that realization that one parent carries the heavy burden of the bulk of their family’s needs. This isn’t to say that your partner isn’t doing anything, but the conclusion is that they are not managing nearly as much as you while also asking for things too, which can lead to feelings of deep resentment, unfairness, and, eventually, divorce.
What Default Parent Syndrome Looks Like
A recent report about mental load from Skylight found that 78% of moms consider themselves the default parent and that they carry about 75% of their family’s mental load, an infinite list of tasks. Chances are, if you’re shouldering the bulk of responsibility in your relationship, you relate to the following and then some:
- Making appointments and keeping the family schedule.
- Organizing social activities, extracurriculars, and filling days off from school.
- Managing inventory of food and personal care items for the household.
- Keeping track of who needs bigger shoes or a winter jacket.
- Knowing the contact info of relevant parents and teachers.
- Managing the emotional scale of the whole household.
- Completing school forms, ordering spirit gear, and monitoring homework.
- Meal planning, food buying, and making dinner (and lunches, and breakfasts).
Married Moms Feel Like Single Parents
One parent carrying the mental load might be the status-quo, but it appears that default parent divorce is on the rise, where plenty of women are quietly but steadily weighed down by every little responsibility in the household and are economically stable enough to call it quits on their marriage. Women are tasked with anticipating every need and remembering each detail. Some turn to their spouse for support but experience few changes.
Many mothers already feel like single parents even though they’re married because they are taking on the social and emotional and physical tasks that come with raising a child to adulthood. Many wonder how the responsibilities could possibly get worse.
Managing your family and a household and your own career, not to mention the social lives and health needs and friend circles of your kids, means non-stop tasks and cognitive demands, from remembering to do each little thing to worrying about whether your child is a little too quiet today.
Moms Want to Be a Romantic Partner
The burnout, stress, anxiety, and depression that comes from the demands of a lopsided household are toxic to a romantic relationship. It’s not that a mother doesn’t want to do things for her children or spouse, but she needs breaks and support. If this need isn’t voiced or addressed, the default parent syndrome can push many couples to a default parent divorce.
Mothers can feel more like a household manager than a romantic partner, which can make intimacy tank between partners. This is more than just too much laundry and meal planning, it’s about being the go-to person, the keeper of all knowledge, the one who notices things, the planner. Marriages can fail when one person doesn’t notice their partner is flailing.
If you are considering a Michigan divorce because of an uneven separation of tasks between partners, contact Michigan Divorce Help in Mt. Clemens, MI, to schedule your consultation and discuss your options.
This blog post is not a substitute for legal advice.